Entries -> Viewing Tagged with Rambling

Sometimes I wonder to myself; "What am I doing?", "What do I want to do?", "Is this the rest of my life, just like this, every day until I die?". Those kinds of thoughts are depressing. Though in retrospect, I suppose they're the product of a depressed mind.

I've been running low on antidepressants, so I've not been taking them – saving them for a time when the depression is more unbearable, or affecting my ability to interact with people. But being off of them makes me realize things I'd not noticed (or maybe would not notice) when under their influence. Things like the fact that a sad or moving movie or TV show can make me feel so much like crying that it takes significant effort to keep from doing so (and when that happens, I can't help but wonder, Why do I try so hard not to?). Or how funny things feel so much funnier. And when I laugh, I feel genuinely happy. It's hard to explain, but on the medication, my feelings really aren't very ... pronounced. I feel, but it's like a thought, more than a feeling.

It's difficult, realizing that my emotions are suppressed by my medication. Probably even harder is realizing that without them, I often feel like there's no point in continuing with my meaningless existence.

Which brings me back to meaning... Significance. Life. Just what am I doing with my life? Just what is it that I want to do? Is this really the rest of my life, just like this, every day until I cease living?

On the same note, I watched 秒速５センチメータル：桜花抄 today. I did it even though the only version available is a streaming video rip, and I kept telling myself I'd wait for a hi-def version of at least 720 resolution, if not 1080. But I just couldn't stop myself...

It was good. Make-you-want-to-cry good. It was so good in every aspect that I really don't even know where to begin explaining why I feel it was so good. I suppose I'll save that for another post. It was exactly what I was expecting after watching the trailer and reading so much about it.

Watching it is actually what prompted me to write this post. That happens every once in awhile—I'll watch something that incites really strong feelings in me, and then I don't know what to do about them. There's nobody I really feel comfortable talking to about how I feel, either. Nor am I sure I'd know how to express my thoughts even if there was someone. Hence I write here. Seems kinda futile, but whatever.

And now I'm back, once again, to "What am I doing?". Every time it comes to me seriously asking myself what I'm doing with my life, I find myself not having an acceptable answer. Those thoughts are quickly followed by "Well, what do you want to do?". For that question, I have an answer that feels far more clear than anything else in my life: I want to create. I have found more joy in the little bits of art I've dabbled in than anything else. I also want to live in Japan. For almost as far back in my life as I have clear memories, I have had a strong interest in Japan. I couldn't say exactly what it was that first sparked my interest in the country, but the interest is there, and it's strong. The reasoning behind my interest has changed fairly drastically over the years, but my fascination with everything Japan has not wavered — save for it growing stronger, perhaps.

The problem with this situation though — at least in my case — is this: Let's say I magically end up in Japan right now, and am somehow magically fluent in the language — both spoken and written. I'd be living in a foreign country experiencing the exact same problems I am now. What would I do with my life there? What do I want to do with my life there? Will I get there, find some random job, and then after a month start thinking to myself, "Well, this is the rest of my life; just like this, day after day till I'm dead."? But I guess contemplating these things doesn't really matter, because I'm still here in America, and still unable to decide what I want to do with my life (and that's not even mentioning my total lack of motivation and thus complete inability to accomplish anything I might actually desire). Not that I'm saying I feel everything is hopeless; just this is where I am.

*sigh*